About the verbal insults

Now and then, people try to pass their judgment on others. I think we all do it. Sometimes it’s very subtle, sometimes obvious, and I don’t know which one is more harmful.
It’s different from the roleplay, where everything is clear. I can be “angry,” or “stupid,” or anything. Those are the ones I like.
But sometimes, people have certain expectations, and they get uncomfortable when I don’t appear as they want me to. And I feel that.

One of the most harmful for me was when people expected me to be miserable, or suffering, or “having terrible days,” or “terrible escort experience” or something like that—suffering from COVID restrictions, or from “bad clients”, or from mistreatment. The funny thing is that I’m not suffering from any of those, and the only mistreatment I was getting was from that specific person, who tries to convince me that what I am doing is bad, wrong, or miserable.

Although I tend to be pretty resistant, it can crawl into the thoughts, and I can find myself talking to that person in my thoughts – that means something has gotten to me.

I always found it easier when the verbal abuse is direct – if someone calls me, say, “a stupid whore”, I would usually laugh or not pay attention cause they just did say something about themselves. I translated it and could imagine them saying, “I’m a stupid asshole”, and repeating it to try to convince me. When it’s indirect and covered by the assurance that they care about me, but “hope that I will stop doing it soon”, or that “they know how much I suffered from COVID/that/this”, I feel like they don’t want to talk to me, they want to talk to that victim, the person who suffers. And repeating it over and over might make me try to oppose them (the first ring, as the healthy reaction, is when I don’t counter verbal insults, I ignore it with no intention to ). Imagine someone psycho on the street yells at you and says, “fuck you, fuck you, you fucker!”, you don’t start explaining that you are not actually a fucker, that you live a normal life, paying taxes, etc. You just walk away. So when I might try to explain that no, I’m not suffering yes, I really want to do what I am doing, I already got involved. The second red flag is when I try to converse with them in my thoughts when we are not together. The third is when I might stop saying something because obviously, the person dislikes when I say that all is good with me, I have no intention to stop having fun whichever way, I did not suffer from COVID, etc. That subtle frustration when you say you are not what they think. And the fourth is that it makes me experience negative emotions, some frustration.

I can compare it to that psycho on the street and ask myself why my reaction now is different. Another thing that I do when I suddenly start conversing with that person in my thoughts is remind myself that although I had to have that interaction, and, apparently, it wasn’t pleasant, right now it is MY CHOICE to bring that person to the safety of my house. Whenever I re-experience something not-so-pleasant, I remind myself that instead of thinking about something pleasant, I invite those people into my house by my own choice. If I re-experience interaction with the psycho outside that called me a motherfucker, while being at home, I invited him in my head and in my house. That clarity usually helps me realize the absurdity of the situation.
Another thing I can do is imagine myself in the future – in a year, for example, when all these things wouldn’t matter at all. Just like my injury wouldn’t matter in a year. What will matter is what I experience now because what we experience accumulates and plays a significant role in the future.

So there are those people who know everything about everything: they know how you feel, how your life should be, how other people treat you, what’s better for you, every single detail about your life and how you feel about it. There’s no way to explain anything because it’s too late.

So, in the end, the decision to not be around a person like that is the best, as they won’t change, and you might get it under your skin without noticing. Removing those people from life might come with doubts, or starting to think that “it’s not that bad”, but it is, that bad.